Dancing in the dark

How the fuck do you screw up a movie called NINJA ASSASSIN?! I mean, how hard is it to make a movie called NINJA ASSASSIN?! All you need is a ninja and all he has to do is, well... assassinate people. You don't have to bother with that pesky thing called "a plot", and you sure as hell don't need character development. You just put the ninja in a simple situation where he gets to chop people's limbs up real good. The problem with NINJA ASSASSIN (or should I say, one of its problems) is that it has way too much plot, not to mention character development...
The story follows Raizo (South Korean pop singer, dancer, model, actor, businessperson, and designer, Rain), a ninja who used to be a member of a secret ninja clan that trains assassins from early childhood. After seeing his sweetheart slain in front of him, Raizo starts questioning the clan's methods and after his first assignment goes rogue. He meets a Europol agent (Naomi Harris)investigating the clan's activities and together they try to escape the vindictive clan. Oh, did I mention the clan has supernatural powers? (sigh)...
Like I said, nobody expects a movie like this to be anything more than dumb, brainless time waster. As long as it delivers on the action department, I'm OK and it makes everything else about it less painful to endure. Unfortunately, this movie is a dead zone in pretty much every aspect.
Let's start with the action sequences, shall we? Director James McTeigue (V for vendetta, first assistant director on The matrix trilogy) shoots almost every single fight sequence in the dark, preventing us from truly enjoying the undeniable craftsmanship of the stuntmen and Rain himself but everything is impossible to follow and frustrates the hell out of us. Which leads me to the movie's next problem. The obvious reasoning for this way of shooting is an attempt to conceal the horrible CGI. The movie is rated R for blood, guts, ect. and one would expect a movie called NINJA ASSASSIN to deliver the goods. And while the movie has its fair share of bloodshed, it's all FUCKING CGI!. And lousy CGI at that. In this day in age where filmmakers like Quentin Tarantino actually make an effort to give violence a cerebral feel, there's no excuse for McTeigue taking the easy way out.
Then there's Rain. I'm sorry, the man may look the part and be an expert in 15 different martial arts techniques but he's a godawful actor. He says every line with the conviction of a mannequin with an inserted voice chip. Granted, he looks good when he shuts up and chops up people's limbs off but every time he opens his mouth I wanted to do something violent to the screen. Oh wait, it doesn't matter how he looks in the fight sequences because WE CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!.
But the biggest sin this movie commits is that it's boring (How's that for film criticism?). Between the poorly executed fight sequences were forced to endure bad dialogue, Rain's moping over his faith and dead girlfriend (the endless flashbacks don't help), ill-fated attempts at creating a serious story with a message how we're all masters of our own faith (again, sigh). But all that would be forgiven if the fight sequences deliver. But they don't. NINJA ASSASSIN (yes, I'm doing this on purpose) is a huge bust on every level and the sooner it winds up in oblivion, the better.
How hard, how hard?!